10 things to do before I'm 40

As I mentioned in the last post, I just turned 30. A day before my birthday, one of my friends asked if I'd completed my list of 10 things to do before I'm 30. Since I hadn't made such a list, my answer was no. So I decided to make a list to do before I'm 40! I've got a whole decade to accomplish these in, so I hope I'll make it!

1. Rent a house / apartment for a month in Italy or Spain, and spend it exploring the country and writing
2. Visit Venice
3. Visit Egypt
4. Visit Paris in the spring time
5. Visit Jane Austen's home and spend time in the UK visiting the scenery where Pride And Prejudice (1995) was filmed
6. Write a book, that is both funny and meaningful, light and deep at the same time.
7. Get a publisher interested in said book I've written
8. Write a script for a full length movie
9. Get paid to do more than answering phones
10. Fall in love

So there are the things I wish to do before I'm 40. For most part I think it's rather doable, but for the last point. And this is due to the fact that I've never been in love. Therefore it seems to me the one that might not be accomplished... But, time will tell! :o)

Thirty And Awesome!

I turned 30 a couple of days ago, and I must say I'm a little disappointed how this week has gone so far. Hopefully tomorrow will be infinetly better, since I'm having my big 30th Birthday party then.

So what has been going wrong? Well it all started when I went on a first date on my last day as a 29-year-old. I walk up to the guy, and he's a spitting image of my uncle! I don't mean there was something familiar about him, or that he slightly resembled my uncle, no I've seen pictures of my uncle when he was 30-35-years old, and I swear, he was standing right in front of me!

But as it turns out, he was a really nice guy (unlike my uncle, actually), and since I felt absolutely no attraction to him, the evening was quite relaxed and nice. Until it came time for goodbyes, and I realised he wanted to kiss me. As you can imagine, I wasn't up for it. So I sneakily ran into the bus just waving goodbye instead. I hardly need to add, there will be no second date.

Then came my birthday. I had taken a day off work, decided to relax and enjoy turning 30, which I did by watching Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back and eating chocolate when that magical moment came. Nerdy, and I loved it!

So on my actual birthday I had a job interview. Not ideal, but what can you do. I'm not actively looking for a job, but when I saw the position open, I felt like I had to apply for it. So instead of the day I had planned for my 30th (which included a lazy brunch at an empty café, reading bad romance novels and going for dinner with my parents) changed rather drastically, since I had to switch on my professional mode. Anyway, I went for the interview, and although I did not get the job, I thought it went rather well. The dinner with my parents went absolutely great, we went to a Finnish restaurant, and for the first time in my life I ate some bear salami, had home brew beer and Sisu-icecream. It was all heavenly and delicious!

On my way home I slipped and scraped my knee. Next morning I slipped and twisted my ankle. The next day I slit a deep cut on my left thumb. So being 30 has come with some injuries!

And to top all this off, a guy I thought I was completely over told me he can't come to my birthday party, and the depression spiral it sent me on was a slight indication, that I may not be as indifferent as I thought I was...

So, I'm 30, stuck in the same job, without a boyfriend and eating chocolate like there's no tomorrow. Hmm...

PS. Oh, I had some Fazer Blueberry Pie chocolate yesterday while I watched The Sure Thing (starring John Cusack), and it was SOOO good. Maybe I don't need men, maybe all I need is chocolate, a good movie and my lovely soft sofa!

To Smile Or Not To Smile...

...That is the question. Now this question is not prompted by depression, but by my friends, who are trying to get me to open up to men more.

So here's my problem: I haven't had a real crush on a real guy since I was in High School. So that was... Umm... A decade ago! God, now I feel old... Anyways, I've met plenty of men since then, I've even dated one guy for 3 years, but I just never met anyone, who would make my hands shake, my knees weak and my throat clench up.

Now I've been informed by my nearest and dearest that it's due to the fact, that I'm too closed up. I don't let guys know that it's okay to approach me. Now, I know that in most cultures men just see a woman they like and go hit on her. In Finland it's a bit different.

Here women are so dominant, that I think men are rather afraid of us. So instead of marching up to a girl and giving her some cheesy line, most Finnish men just scope the room, try to find someone who's most likely not to laugh at them and then make the approach.

Aparently I look like a laugher. And to be fair, I probably am too sarcastic and hard to impress, but that's the way I'm wired. I know that to change my current situation, I have to make some changes in myself, but I really don't want to change who I am. I have high standards. So sue me.

So now I'm trying to learn to be more easily approachable. I have a goal that I'd smile at least once a day to an attractive man. Maybe if I start noticing men, they'll start noticing me. It's at least worth a shot!

* * *

5th Week of Low Carb...

And it's going better now! I lost 1,1kg's this week, so YEY! I'm still working at getting back to 113, but it definetly looks better!

This week I've been struggling with the question "why am I doing this?" I've been feeling a bit lost and frustrated. The thing about losing weight is that, although it does make me feel better, it doesn't fix everything. I still have my insecurities and I still want to suffocate all the stress and frustration I feel in my life with a 500g bar of Fazerin sininen chocolate or a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Oh, the chocolate, oh the ice cream...

The problem is that eating is the closest I've gotten to falling in love. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. Eating to me was like being in love! The indulgance, the comfort, the sheer thrill of it. And now I've willingly given it up. For what? A life without sugar? A life without chocolate?!?!

Well, I got over my doubts without succumbing to chocolate. But still, I wonder, will I ever find someone who'll make me feel as good as Mr. Karl Fazer and his delicious chocolate...

* * *

Surprise!

He didn't call. BUT he did send me an e-mail. Not a word was mentioned about the date next week, just general blabbing.

I don't know. Shouldn't he be more into me at this point? I mean if it's meant to be? I just feel like he should be more interested in getting to know me than he is!

One things for sure, playing hard to get works again. I sent him a couple of e-mails that were happy, chipper and filled with a lot of interesting stuff (or at least I thought so), but his replies were short and sort of bored. I thought, fine, two can play at that game, and sent him an e-mail with a couple of lines, and hey presto, I received a long e-mail filled with the desire to impress me. I just don't understand men!

Men complain about women playing games, but honest to God, I think women would stop playing the games, if men wouldn't freak out the minute we do! I hate these games. I find them boring, exhausting and annoying. I'd love to be able to tell a guy I'm interested in that I want to go on a date with him and see if there's anything there. But if I do so, he gets panicked, as if I've just proposed marriage to him! What's wrong with men?!?!

The thing is that I don't want to waste my time with men who aren't interested in me. Maybe it's because the big Three-O is looming around the corner, and I feel the pressure of finding the ONE, I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm so over trying to figure out what men want.

Okay, that's not entirely true, I know WHAT they want, I just want to find a guy who'd want something besides that. A guy who'd every now and again want the same things as I do. A guy who'd love me, and who I'd love right back.

Am I asking too much? Am I reaching for the moon and stars again?

* * *

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

was the first song I heard after my first date last Sunday with "Jim". I thought it was an omen, and I think I was right. We've been exhanging e-mails with him all week long, but he hasn't mentioned anything about a second date. So last night I snapped and asked him out to the movies. Going against every rule, I know, but at least I now know he isn't interested and I can move on.

OK, he didn't exactly say that he isn't interested, but it was clear enough. I got it. Thanks. First off, after our first date he said: "Let's see what this will evolve into..." No mention about a second date or about calling me. Bad sign. Second, well, the fact that I had to ask him out on the second date, and that his response to it was "Yeah, a movie might be cool, we'll see about it next week."

Now I know everyone says that you shouldn't read too much into what a guy says, that what he says is what he means, but come on! That is blowing me off! Pure and simple!

So I replied to him saying that next week would be fine and we'll talk later. And trust me on this one, we won't be talking later. If he contacts me again, I swear I'll.. I'll eat my... I'll... Well, I'll do something!

* * *

My Romantic Self Esteem

About a week ago I went on a first date. Apparently if you want to find a man, you have to date. In my opinion, that sucks. I hate dating. Especially first dates. They fill me with terror.


It's not that I don't believe that I'm a worthwhile and interesting person, far from it, I believe I'm one of the most interesting persons I've met during my life! And I've known myself for almost 29 years!


Here's what I think it is: I think women have two different self esteems, a normal and a romantic one. The normal self esteem helps us go through everyday situations, work, chores, friendships and basic human interaction. The romantic self esteem comes to play when we're faced with that ultimate enemy: a man. And what I've discovered lately is that my romantic self esteem is absolutely non existent.


I don't know why that is. I'm not ugly, although I am overweight. I know most men see fat as the ultimate flaw in a woman, but I trust that not all of them feel that way. Although my trust in that kind of comes and goes.

It's not that I go on horrific dates with mean men, far from it, most of the men I've been on dates with have been kind and rather funny guys. The problem is that these guys don't make me feel all tingly and giggly inside. And what's worse, I don't make them feel all tingly and giggly inside.

I just watched Adaptation, where Donald Kaufman said: "You are who you love, not who loves you." I wish I could live like that. I wish I didn't care if others love me or not, I wish I could just be happy being myself and being true to what I feel, no matter how others feel about me. But I can't.

As long as I'm unsure about how the other person feels about me, I keep myself distant, I keep my feelings in check and I make damn sure that if he isn't interested in me, then I'm not interested either. The upside is that I don't get hurt when he doesn't call me. The downside is that I've never fallen in love.

But a part of me believes that when I meet the right guy, I won't be able to do that. That he'll whisk me off my feet, no matter how hard I try to resist it. Or perhaps I've just seen too many romantic movies.

* * *

All the best ones are taken...

Now this is a mantra all of us single girls, and why not single boys, hear constantly. "All the best ones are taken." But if that's true, why am I still single? Does it mean that I automatically am not one of the best ones?

I refuse to think, that just because I'm single I'm somehow inferior to those who are in a relationship. I mean, Hitler was dating, does that make him better than me? Okay, poor example, but I guess you understand what I mean. Just because I'm single, it can't mean that I'm a bad person, that I'm a failure.

And if all the best ones are taken, why would I even bother looking? If all that is left is second class boyfriends, shouldn't I hang up my binoculars and start looking for an alergen free cat?

I'm always perplexed, what is the point of that saying? Should it be comforting? Should it lull me into the depressed resignation that love will never come my way?

I don't know. All I know is that I'm still refusing to believe that all the best ones are taken. They can't be! I'm not!

My reason for being here?

It's quite simple. I'm a 29 year old woman (well, still technically 28, but in just a few short weeks I will be 29, and I think it's best to start adjusting...), who is trying to figure out two things:

1) How do men work and how do I get one for myself?
2) How do I lose interest in chocolate and direct it towards sweating on a stairmaster.

The thing is, I'm picky about men. And I'm painfully aware of it. I mean, everybody keeps telling me that, so there's no fear of me forgetting how high my standards are. But the problem is that I can't fall in love with a guy I feel is just OK... Call me what ever you want, but I still believe that love should be thunder-bolts and lightning! Mainly because it's been that way for my parents, who are happily married after 45 years. So why not me?

Now the problem with chocolate is in someways easier to solve. Or rather, I've been focusing on solving it for the last 3,5 years, during which I've lost 30kg's (and then gainged some, and then lost some....) When I started my weightloss campaign, I weighed 143,3kg's, which I think we can all agree is a LOT! Now I weigh 117,6kg's which is a bit higher then 113kg's I reached last summer, but still, I'm heading down slowly but surely.

My idea for this blog is to try to figure out my main two problems: How to find the love of my life and How to reach my goal weight of 85kg's. This isn't going to be a traditional weightloss blog, but more of a stream of what's going on in this head of mine.

Like a friend of mine says, there are two ninja's constantly fighting in my head: my logic and my heart. And this blog will be their arena. Enjoy!