It's not that I don't believe that I'm a worthwhile and interesting person, far from it, I believe I'm one of the most interesting persons I've met during my life! And I've known myself for almost 29 years!
Here's what I think it is: I think women have two different self esteems, a normal and a romantic one. The normal self esteem helps us go through everyday situations, work, chores, friendships and basic human interaction. The romantic self esteem comes to play when we're faced with that ultimate enemy: a man. And what I've discovered lately is that my romantic self esteem is absolutely non existent.
I don't know why that is. I'm not ugly, although I am overweight. I know most men see fat as the ultimate flaw in a woman, but I trust that not all of them feel that way. Although my trust in that kind of comes and goes.
It's not that I go on horrific dates with mean men, far from it, most of the men I've been on dates with have been kind and rather funny guys. The problem is that these guys don't make me feel all tingly and giggly inside. And what's worse, I don't make them feel all tingly and giggly inside.
I just watched Adaptation, where Donald Kaufman said: "You are who you love, not who loves you." I wish I could live like that. I wish I didn't care if others love me or not, I wish I could just be happy being myself and being true to what I feel, no matter how others feel about me. But I can't.
As long as I'm unsure about how the other person feels about me, I keep myself distant, I keep my feelings in check and I make damn sure that if he isn't interested in me, then I'm not interested either. The upside is that I don't get hurt when he doesn't call me. The downside is that I've never fallen in love.
But a part of me believes that when I meet the right guy, I won't be able to do that. That he'll whisk me off my feet, no matter how hard I try to resist it. Or perhaps I've just seen too many romantic movies.
* * *