Thirty And Awesome!

I turned 30 a couple of days ago, and I must say I'm a little disappointed how this week has gone so far. Hopefully tomorrow will be infinetly better, since I'm having my big 30th Birthday party then.

So what has been going wrong? Well it all started when I went on a first date on my last day as a 29-year-old. I walk up to the guy, and he's a spitting image of my uncle! I don't mean there was something familiar about him, or that he slightly resembled my uncle, no I've seen pictures of my uncle when he was 30-35-years old, and I swear, he was standing right in front of me!

But as it turns out, he was a really nice guy (unlike my uncle, actually), and since I felt absolutely no attraction to him, the evening was quite relaxed and nice. Until it came time for goodbyes, and I realised he wanted to kiss me. As you can imagine, I wasn't up for it. So I sneakily ran into the bus just waving goodbye instead. I hardly need to add, there will be no second date.

Then came my birthday. I had taken a day off work, decided to relax and enjoy turning 30, which I did by watching Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back and eating chocolate when that magical moment came. Nerdy, and I loved it!

So on my actual birthday I had a job interview. Not ideal, but what can you do. I'm not actively looking for a job, but when I saw the position open, I felt like I had to apply for it. So instead of the day I had planned for my 30th (which included a lazy brunch at an empty café, reading bad romance novels and going for dinner with my parents) changed rather drastically, since I had to switch on my professional mode. Anyway, I went for the interview, and although I did not get the job, I thought it went rather well. The dinner with my parents went absolutely great, we went to a Finnish restaurant, and for the first time in my life I ate some bear salami, had home brew beer and Sisu-icecream. It was all heavenly and delicious!

On my way home I slipped and scraped my knee. Next morning I slipped and twisted my ankle. The next day I slit a deep cut on my left thumb. So being 30 has come with some injuries!

And to top all this off, a guy I thought I was completely over told me he can't come to my birthday party, and the depression spiral it sent me on was a slight indication, that I may not be as indifferent as I thought I was...

So, I'm 30, stuck in the same job, without a boyfriend and eating chocolate like there's no tomorrow. Hmm...

PS. Oh, I had some Fazer Blueberry Pie chocolate yesterday while I watched The Sure Thing (starring John Cusack), and it was SOOO good. Maybe I don't need men, maybe all I need is chocolate, a good movie and my lovely soft sofa!

To Smile Or Not To Smile...

...That is the question. Now this question is not prompted by depression, but by my friends, who are trying to get me to open up to men more.

So here's my problem: I haven't had a real crush on a real guy since I was in High School. So that was... Umm... A decade ago! God, now I feel old... Anyways, I've met plenty of men since then, I've even dated one guy for 3 years, but I just never met anyone, who would make my hands shake, my knees weak and my throat clench up.

Now I've been informed by my nearest and dearest that it's due to the fact, that I'm too closed up. I don't let guys know that it's okay to approach me. Now, I know that in most cultures men just see a woman they like and go hit on her. In Finland it's a bit different.

Here women are so dominant, that I think men are rather afraid of us. So instead of marching up to a girl and giving her some cheesy line, most Finnish men just scope the room, try to find someone who's most likely not to laugh at them and then make the approach.

Aparently I look like a laugher. And to be fair, I probably am too sarcastic and hard to impress, but that's the way I'm wired. I know that to change my current situation, I have to make some changes in myself, but I really don't want to change who I am. I have high standards. So sue me.

So now I'm trying to learn to be more easily approachable. I have a goal that I'd smile at least once a day to an attractive man. Maybe if I start noticing men, they'll start noticing me. It's at least worth a shot!

* * *

Back again!

Sorry. I've been away for a reeeeaaally long time, but I've got excuses! Not reasons though, just excuses... ;o)

My whole year up until now has been crazy hectic, and now I've just been too tired and lazy to update my blog. And on top of it all, I had my heart bruised, so I've been a little down. My heart isn't broken, just a little bruised. Basically I wasn interested in someone I thought was interested in me, but as it turns out, he wasn't. Or at least not enough so. And I ain't about to beg anyone to like me. So if he's not that into me, he's just not.

That being said, it does sting. The rejection, it always stings. Even when it's a guy you're not really that into, it stings. And this was a guy I really thought we had a connection with. Anyhoo, it didn't work out.

So as to my weight-loss, amazingly enough, even though I've been kind of down and feeling blue lately, I've finally dragged myself back to -30kg's! And it feels great! So I'm not that devastated!

What I've been doing lately is just cut bread and all obvious carbs from my diet. So I've had one slice of whole wheat rhye bread a day with my lunch salad, but other than that, I've had no bread. Also still avoiding pasta, rice and sugar. So far so good!

So I hope all of you out there are still doing great! I'm feeling better and getting over my bruised heart. I'm just trying to remember, that like a Finnish band called Don Huonot says it (now this is a loose translation):
"No-one has yet invented a bullet-proof heart,
So there's no point in fearing the shot,
'Cos lonelyness will slowly dig out that same hole."

So I try to remember that if you don't get your heart bruised every now and again, you will break it eventually anyway. You can't find love if you're not willing to take the chance of being hurt.

* * *

Missing my past...

The thing about losing weight is that it means giving something up. As much as I'd like to tell you that I'm disgusted by the way I used to eat, its not true. If I could, I would eat just as I did 4 years ago.

I've never been in love, so my most intense passions up to date have been for chocolate, pasta and Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano in My So-Called Life. Although you could replace Jordan with for instance Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice or Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or any other dreamy, hunky leading man, who is head over heals in love with the somewhat controversial and excentric leading lady.

But to get back to my original point, my main love affair to date has been with food. I love it. I love to eat it, I love thinking about it, I love planning to do it, I even occasionally love making it. And I hate the fact that my love for food has turned me into this. I find it incredibly unfair that while some people can eat what ever they want and not gain a gram, I can't eat anything without gaining weight.

The truth is that its not solely my eating habits that have made me obese, although I grant you it's about 85% of the reason for it. But the other reason is that I've got the most energy efficient body in the whole freaking universe! Okay, that may not be entirely true, but trust me, if we were living in the stone ages, I would have outlived about 90% of the population in times of starvation! Somehow that thought really isn't very comforting now that I'm living in 2010 with plenty of food around me...

But the main thing is that I know I have no choise about this. Well, I do, but the other choise is to eat myself to death, so I think I'll pass on that one. So I stick to my diet and try to accept the fact, that I'll never have the luxury of eating what I want when I want without any thought for consequences.

So now I've been one week on this new Low Carb diet. So far so good, although I guess I went a little over board with protein in the morning, and it made me feel nauseaus. But now I've corrected it with adding more fruits to my breakfast, and I'm feeling great again!

* * *

Losing Weight And Men

My feelings about dating and losing weight are somewhat conflicted. On one hand I know it'll be easier to find a man when I get more attractive and thin, but on the other hand I wonder if it means I'll end up with a guy who's too superficial to appreciate me as I am.

Like Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice (BBC, 1995) said: "If I could love a man who would love me enough to take me for a mere £50 a year, I should be very well pleased. But such a man could hardly be sensible, and I could never love man who was out of his wits!" I feel exactly the same way about my weight. I'd want to find a man who'd love me for who I am, no matter how much I weigh, but at the same time I feel that such a man would be somehow weird or deficient.

What I fear most is that I'm waiting for something that doesn't exist for me. That I'm trying to grasp at straws that aren't there!

Now I've heard more than once that I've watched too many romantic movies and that's why my expectations of men are waaaay too high. Now the truth is that my expectations of men have nothing to do with romantic movies (although I do enjoy the brief flight in a care-free fantasy world they offer me).

My reason for having high expectations is this: my parents have been married for 44 years, and are still happy together. My eldest brother has been married for 22 years, my sister for 13 years and my other brother for 12 years, and all of them are happy together. (Just to clarify, I'm the youngest of the family and my siblings are 8-16 years older than me).

So I've seen first hand that marriage can work, that you can find someone you truly love and live happily together with that person! I'm not saying that these marriage's don't have their own problems, but still the problems are small enough for the marriage to work. So I'm not expecting a fairytale romance, I'm just looking for someone who I can fall in love with and who'll love me back. So simple, yet so hard to find!

* * *

You wanna play rough, I'll play rough!

Okay, so it's been a week since my first date with Jim, and he still hasn't mentioned a second date. We've been e-mailing daily, but no mention has there been about a second date. Well, except for that weak moment of mine, that made me ask him out... And him replying "that might be cool"... Pathetic, I know!

So I'm taking the control back. He wrote to me a simple one line note today, and I'm not gonna reply to that one. Nope, no way! If he wants to see me, he has to do something about it! So, from now on I'm the bloody Ice Queen. No more Miss Nice Girl, from now on he has to work.

I'd love it if equality of the sexes actually worked in the dating arena. I hate having to resort to these kinds of tactics, but I guess I have no other possibility...

* * *

Surprise!

He didn't call. BUT he did send me an e-mail. Not a word was mentioned about the date next week, just general blabbing.

I don't know. Shouldn't he be more into me at this point? I mean if it's meant to be? I just feel like he should be more interested in getting to know me than he is!

One things for sure, playing hard to get works again. I sent him a couple of e-mails that were happy, chipper and filled with a lot of interesting stuff (or at least I thought so), but his replies were short and sort of bored. I thought, fine, two can play at that game, and sent him an e-mail with a couple of lines, and hey presto, I received a long e-mail filled with the desire to impress me. I just don't understand men!

Men complain about women playing games, but honest to God, I think women would stop playing the games, if men wouldn't freak out the minute we do! I hate these games. I find them boring, exhausting and annoying. I'd love to be able to tell a guy I'm interested in that I want to go on a date with him and see if there's anything there. But if I do so, he gets panicked, as if I've just proposed marriage to him! What's wrong with men?!?!

The thing is that I don't want to waste my time with men who aren't interested in me. Maybe it's because the big Three-O is looming around the corner, and I feel the pressure of finding the ONE, I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm so over trying to figure out what men want.

Okay, that's not entirely true, I know WHAT they want, I just want to find a guy who'd want something besides that. A guy who'd every now and again want the same things as I do. A guy who'd love me, and who I'd love right back.

Am I asking too much? Am I reaching for the moon and stars again?

* * *

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

was the first song I heard after my first date last Sunday with "Jim". I thought it was an omen, and I think I was right. We've been exhanging e-mails with him all week long, but he hasn't mentioned anything about a second date. So last night I snapped and asked him out to the movies. Going against every rule, I know, but at least I now know he isn't interested and I can move on.

OK, he didn't exactly say that he isn't interested, but it was clear enough. I got it. Thanks. First off, after our first date he said: "Let's see what this will evolve into..." No mention about a second date or about calling me. Bad sign. Second, well, the fact that I had to ask him out on the second date, and that his response to it was "Yeah, a movie might be cool, we'll see about it next week."

Now I know everyone says that you shouldn't read too much into what a guy says, that what he says is what he means, but come on! That is blowing me off! Pure and simple!

So I replied to him saying that next week would be fine and we'll talk later. And trust me on this one, we won't be talking later. If he contacts me again, I swear I'll.. I'll eat my... I'll... Well, I'll do something!

* * *

My Romantic Self Esteem

About a week ago I went on a first date. Apparently if you want to find a man, you have to date. In my opinion, that sucks. I hate dating. Especially first dates. They fill me with terror.


It's not that I don't believe that I'm a worthwhile and interesting person, far from it, I believe I'm one of the most interesting persons I've met during my life! And I've known myself for almost 29 years!


Here's what I think it is: I think women have two different self esteems, a normal and a romantic one. The normal self esteem helps us go through everyday situations, work, chores, friendships and basic human interaction. The romantic self esteem comes to play when we're faced with that ultimate enemy: a man. And what I've discovered lately is that my romantic self esteem is absolutely non existent.


I don't know why that is. I'm not ugly, although I am overweight. I know most men see fat as the ultimate flaw in a woman, but I trust that not all of them feel that way. Although my trust in that kind of comes and goes.

It's not that I go on horrific dates with mean men, far from it, most of the men I've been on dates with have been kind and rather funny guys. The problem is that these guys don't make me feel all tingly and giggly inside. And what's worse, I don't make them feel all tingly and giggly inside.

I just watched Adaptation, where Donald Kaufman said: "You are who you love, not who loves you." I wish I could live like that. I wish I didn't care if others love me or not, I wish I could just be happy being myself and being true to what I feel, no matter how others feel about me. But I can't.

As long as I'm unsure about how the other person feels about me, I keep myself distant, I keep my feelings in check and I make damn sure that if he isn't interested in me, then I'm not interested either. The upside is that I don't get hurt when he doesn't call me. The downside is that I've never fallen in love.

But a part of me believes that when I meet the right guy, I won't be able to do that. That he'll whisk me off my feet, no matter how hard I try to resist it. Or perhaps I've just seen too many romantic movies.

* * *

All the best ones are taken...

Now this is a mantra all of us single girls, and why not single boys, hear constantly. "All the best ones are taken." But if that's true, why am I still single? Does it mean that I automatically am not one of the best ones?

I refuse to think, that just because I'm single I'm somehow inferior to those who are in a relationship. I mean, Hitler was dating, does that make him better than me? Okay, poor example, but I guess you understand what I mean. Just because I'm single, it can't mean that I'm a bad person, that I'm a failure.

And if all the best ones are taken, why would I even bother looking? If all that is left is second class boyfriends, shouldn't I hang up my binoculars and start looking for an alergen free cat?

I'm always perplexed, what is the point of that saying? Should it be comforting? Should it lull me into the depressed resignation that love will never come my way?

I don't know. All I know is that I'm still refusing to believe that all the best ones are taken. They can't be! I'm not!

My reason for being here?

It's quite simple. I'm a 29 year old woman (well, still technically 28, but in just a few short weeks I will be 29, and I think it's best to start adjusting...), who is trying to figure out two things:

1) How do men work and how do I get one for myself?
2) How do I lose interest in chocolate and direct it towards sweating on a stairmaster.

The thing is, I'm picky about men. And I'm painfully aware of it. I mean, everybody keeps telling me that, so there's no fear of me forgetting how high my standards are. But the problem is that I can't fall in love with a guy I feel is just OK... Call me what ever you want, but I still believe that love should be thunder-bolts and lightning! Mainly because it's been that way for my parents, who are happily married after 45 years. So why not me?

Now the problem with chocolate is in someways easier to solve. Or rather, I've been focusing on solving it for the last 3,5 years, during which I've lost 30kg's (and then gainged some, and then lost some....) When I started my weightloss campaign, I weighed 143,3kg's, which I think we can all agree is a LOT! Now I weigh 117,6kg's which is a bit higher then 113kg's I reached last summer, but still, I'm heading down slowly but surely.

My idea for this blog is to try to figure out my main two problems: How to find the love of my life and How to reach my goal weight of 85kg's. This isn't going to be a traditional weightloss blog, but more of a stream of what's going on in this head of mine.

Like a friend of mine says, there are two ninja's constantly fighting in my head: my logic and my heart. And this blog will be their arena. Enjoy!