The Sound Of Silence

This is too brutal! I've been commanded to be quiet for the next three days! THREE DAYS! Pah, doctors, what do they know...

So here I am, otherwise completely healthy, just without a voice. I saw this as a chance to try the Nutrilett VLCD (very low calorie diet). I thought that since I'm not going anywhere or seeing anyone for three days, I might as well give it a go. So I started today with regular LCD (meaning my intake was about 1000 kcal) and tomorrow I'm gonna try to survive on VLCD (with only 500 kcal). We'll see how it goes... At least I shouldn't have any temptations distracting me, unless I end up eating an expired bottle of ketchup that's been sitting in my fridge since I moved...

My decision to try this was prompted by the fact that I was completely out of control last week. I just couldn't get enough of food. So I gained 1,2 kg's. And now I'm hoping this will rid me of those. (Also, the VLCD pack was on sale at Stockmann's, so...) Wish me luck!

* * *

To Smile Or Not To Smile...

...That is the question. Now this question is not prompted by depression, but by my friends, who are trying to get me to open up to men more.

So here's my problem: I haven't had a real crush on a real guy since I was in High School. So that was... Umm... A decade ago! God, now I feel old... Anyways, I've met plenty of men since then, I've even dated one guy for 3 years, but I just never met anyone, who would make my hands shake, my knees weak and my throat clench up.

Now I've been informed by my nearest and dearest that it's due to the fact, that I'm too closed up. I don't let guys know that it's okay to approach me. Now, I know that in most cultures men just see a woman they like and go hit on her. In Finland it's a bit different.

Here women are so dominant, that I think men are rather afraid of us. So instead of marching up to a girl and giving her some cheesy line, most Finnish men just scope the room, try to find someone who's most likely not to laugh at them and then make the approach.

Aparently I look like a laugher. And to be fair, I probably am too sarcastic and hard to impress, but that's the way I'm wired. I know that to change my current situation, I have to make some changes in myself, but I really don't want to change who I am. I have high standards. So sue me.

So now I'm trying to learn to be more easily approachable. I have a goal that I'd smile at least once a day to an attractive man. Maybe if I start noticing men, they'll start noticing me. It's at least worth a shot!

* * *

Back again!

Sorry. I've been away for a reeeeaaally long time, but I've got excuses! Not reasons though, just excuses... ;o)

My whole year up until now has been crazy hectic, and now I've just been too tired and lazy to update my blog. And on top of it all, I had my heart bruised, so I've been a little down. My heart isn't broken, just a little bruised. Basically I wasn interested in someone I thought was interested in me, but as it turns out, he wasn't. Or at least not enough so. And I ain't about to beg anyone to like me. So if he's not that into me, he's just not.

That being said, it does sting. The rejection, it always stings. Even when it's a guy you're not really that into, it stings. And this was a guy I really thought we had a connection with. Anyhoo, it didn't work out.

So as to my weight-loss, amazingly enough, even though I've been kind of down and feeling blue lately, I've finally dragged myself back to -30kg's! And it feels great! So I'm not that devastated!

What I've been doing lately is just cut bread and all obvious carbs from my diet. So I've had one slice of whole wheat rhye bread a day with my lunch salad, but other than that, I've had no bread. Also still avoiding pasta, rice and sugar. So far so good!

So I hope all of you out there are still doing great! I'm feeling better and getting over my bruised heart. I'm just trying to remember, that like a Finnish band called Don Huonot says it (now this is a loose translation):
"No-one has yet invented a bullet-proof heart,
So there's no point in fearing the shot,
'Cos lonelyness will slowly dig out that same hole."

So I try to remember that if you don't get your heart bruised every now and again, you will break it eventually anyway. You can't find love if you're not willing to take the chance of being hurt.

* * *

The real Truthiness

My truthiness:
A) I speak four languages fluently - this is not true. I speak two languaged fluently (Finnish and English), one language rather well (Swedish) and one really, really poorly (French).

B) I'm very remotely related to both the Danish and the Swedish royal families - this is true. I am very remotely related to both royal families, but we're talking about something around the 18th century. So my claim to the throne is really rather slim!

C) I've had a pet hamster named Mimi - nope, I've never had any furry pets due to allergies, only fish, and even they ate each other, since I forgot to feed them...

D) My favourite book in the whole wide world is Charles Dickens's Great Expectations - No way, I hated that book! Can't help it, but Dickens just isn't my cup of tea!

E) I love skiing - Nope, and unfortunately skiing is a mandatory part of the Finnish currilicum for sports. But the last time I skied was back in Junior High, and boy was it blood and tears!

F) I think that cleanliness is next to godliness - No, I think that as long as the place is sanitary, a little mess never hurt anyone. I live in perpetual chaos, since cleaning up is not amongst my favourite things to do, but my apartment is not dirty. Just messy.

G) I've once slept through an earthquake - This is true. When I lived in Belgium I once slept through a minor earthquake. It was minor, but it managed to make a small crack into the wall, and it woke the rest of the family up. I probably just switched sides and wondered when I'd gotten a vibrating bed... ;o)

So there, those are the truths and lies!

Truthiness

The rules are:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you.

4. Tell up to 6 outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth.

5. Nominate 7 "creative writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

Thank you very much to Buttercup from http://asyouws.blogspot.com/ for nominating me! :o)

My truthiness:

A) I speak four languages fluently

B) I'm very remotely related to both the Danish and the Swedish royal families.

C) I've had a pet hamster named Mimi

D) My favourite book in the whole wide world is Charles Dickens's Great Expectations

E) I love skiing

F) I think that cleanliness is next to godliness

G) I've once slept through an earthquake

The bloggers that I would like to nominate are:

Unfortunately all the bloggers I've been following have been nominated for this already... :o)

Let me know which one you think is the truth! :o)

* * *

5th Week of Low Carb...

And it's going better now! I lost 1,1kg's this week, so YEY! I'm still working at getting back to 113, but it definetly looks better!

This week I've been struggling with the question "why am I doing this?" I've been feeling a bit lost and frustrated. The thing about losing weight is that, although it does make me feel better, it doesn't fix everything. I still have my insecurities and I still want to suffocate all the stress and frustration I feel in my life with a 500g bar of Fazerin sininen chocolate or a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Oh, the chocolate, oh the ice cream...

The problem is that eating is the closest I've gotten to falling in love. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. Eating to me was like being in love! The indulgance, the comfort, the sheer thrill of it. And now I've willingly given it up. For what? A life without sugar? A life without chocolate?!?!

Well, I got over my doubts without succumbing to chocolate. But still, I wonder, will I ever find someone who'll make me feel as good as Mr. Karl Fazer and his delicious chocolate...

* * *

No Loss This Week...

I'm a bit disappointed by that, but not ready to give up on the low carb diet just yet. I'll see what the results are this Sunday, and make my decision based on that.

I do wish that the weightloss would get back on track again. It's frustrating to feel like no matter what I do, nothing happens. Although (time for a confession) I've been way too relaxed about exercise. I know I should just make myself get out there and MOVE! It just ain't that simple! I just don't seem to find the time to actually do something about it.

On a positive note, I spent the weekend on a cruise with both of my sisters and my two-year-old niece, and it was fun, fun, FUN! We went from Helsinki to Stockholm, and did a little shopping while there. I got a new gorgeous Too Faced Beautiful and Bronzed palette that has three little bronzers on it. I love it! I'm really pale, so normally bronzers just make me look like I've forgotten to wash my clay mask off... But not this one! It gives a nice healthy glow! And just look at the box, how cute is that?

* * *

Bummer...

So I gained 1,7kg's this week. I'm not surprised, but I am rather bummed out. I spent the whole week trying to recover from the damage I did on my birthday, but aparently it wasn't enough. But I will rally on! Don't you worry! I hope this week to get rid of the 1,7 kg's I aquired and then I'll be able to move on with a clear conscience! :o)

* * *

Week 3 on Low Carb Diet!

Okay, so another loss of 1,5 kg's (3,3 lbs) on Sunday! I'm so happy, although I know that this week won't be so great, as I will be punished for my freebie day. But I don't care! It was my birthday, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the food and especially the carbs! ;o)

That's what I think is most important about a freebie day: you can't feel guilty about it. I had lots of stuff I shouldn't, but I also kept my head cool, I didn't go over board with the food! And how could I regret it, the cake was AMAZING! ;o)

The most important thing was that on Sunday, when I woke up with a hang-over, I took a bin bag and walked around my apartment throwing away all the high-carb goodness that was left over. Except for the chocolate. I just couldn't throw a practically full box of After Eights into the bin! So I took them to work for my work mates to enjoy. I know, its a bit risky to have them in the same room with me, but I just couldn't throw them away! I guess this'll just show me if I can make it!

So since I did have a freebie day, my goal for this week is to maintain the weight I lost last week or to lose up to 0,5 kg's (~1 lbs). So my expectations are not that high this week, since I tend to get depressed when my expectations are not met.

So I had my birthday last Saturday, and it was a whole lotta fun! My apartment was filled to the rim with my friends and family, everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves and I got some really cool gifts! What more can a girl ask for? Well, a lot, but I'm very pleased with what I got. :o)

* * *

I FIT INTO MY SKINNY JEANS!

It's absolutely fabulous! I got the BEST reward ever today! Today's my birthday party (although the actual birthday is tomorrow), and I fit into my skinny jeans! Sure in my case skinny jeans is EU 50 (US 20), but I don't care! I haven't been able to use these for something like 8 months, but now I'm back in them! Loving it! Tonight is gonna ROCK! :o)

So I'm getting ready for my party tonight. I've bought a lot of low carb food to snack on like nuts, veggies, guacamole etc. I've also bought stuff that is mainly for my friends, not me, the four evil C-words: crisps, cookies, candy and cake. But I'm pretty confident I'll stay reasonable, although tonight is my freebie-day, meaning I can eat what ever I want!

I love my make-up for tonight, I did a version of the Helena Bonham Carter inspired make-up I showed you guys earlier, but glammed it up with some really cool eyeliner and glittery false lashes! I'll post some pictures of it later on!

Okay, I gotto run now, need to do some preparations for tonight! Wish me luck! :o)

* * *

Oh, here's the super-cool cardigan my Mom knitted for me as a birthday present! I love it! Oh, and note the SKINNY JEANS! ;o)

* * *

Craving Chocolate...

It's funny, as long as I'm relaxed and happy, I have no actual need for chocolate. Would I like some? Sure! Do I need it? No.

But when ever things start going a bit sour, I feel the need rising. Like last night, I was really tired and angry at myself for not realising how much (or little) money I have left to spend. So I sat on my sofa, wondering how bad it would really be, if I opened that box of chocolates my friend gave me as a Valentine's Day gift...

I resisted the temptation, thankfully, but it came close. And I think that's the real problem for most of us: Food gives us comfort!

Now the thing with me is that I'm always processing something, always trying to analyse the situation, my situation, my friends situations, etc. My brain just keeps on going, and it gets tireing. I don't want to think all the time, I just want to be and relax, but my brain won't let me. So I found a way to shut up my brain: eating.

When I eat, I go into almost a meditative state. My mind goes blank and the only thing that matters is the taste sensation in my mouth. And that's why I eat. I think that's partially why this Low Carb thing works for me: I get to eat as much as I want, as long as it's low carb! I don't have to stop before I'm ready!

I still feel that the ultimate comfort food for me would be chocolate. I still want it, I just know I don't have to have it. That I can survive and have a happy life even if I don't get a daily dosage of it.

Having said that, I'm never gonna give up chocolate completely. I love it, but I've learned to have just a little of it every now and again, not a whole 500g box of it in one sitting.

* * *

A New Goal

I'm turning 29 this Sunday, and the thought of that made me set a new goal for myself: by my 30th birthday I want to weigh 85kg's (187 lbs), which would make my BMI 29.1 and thus I would be overweight, not obese!

I have no intention of ever getting down to under 7o kg's (which would make me normal weight), since I don't believe that would be comfortable nor abtainable for me, so I've decided I just want to get out of the danger zone and into a moderate weight. I've talked about this with my doctor, and she agrees that 85 kg's is a good goal to have.

So I have 53 weeks to complete this goal, which is great, because acording to the weight loss site I use, my goal should be attainable in 43. BUT I know anything can happen, so I don't want to set my goal too high or too strickt. I mean I'll be turning 30, I think that's enough to deal with without feeling like a complete failure because of unrealistic goals! ;o)

My weight is now 115,2 kg's (253,9 lbs), so to reach my goal I'll have to lose 30 kg's (66 lbs). I'll have smaller goals before that, everytime I lose 5kg's I get something nice for myself. My next reward will be when I reach 113 kg's (I count these losses from my original highest weight of 143,3 kg's). I get a new charm for my charm bracelet, which represents how much I've lost weight!

Do you have any special reward systems?

* * *

Week 2 on Low Carb Diet

Last week was filled with both anxiety and happiness. At one point it seemed like nothing was happening, that I wasn't losing any weight, that in fact I was gaining some, but as always, patience is a virtue! Today I stood on the scale and saw 115,2 kg's on the screen, which means a loss of 1,2 kg's (2,6 lbs)! I'm so happy! My 29th birthday is next week, and I hope to be around 114 by that time!

Last week was definitely about finding the right diet and the right amount of carbs for me. I was very moody in the middle of it, but now I feel great. Don't really know what changed, but something did.

I'm definitely going to keep up with this new diet, since it's working so well! At least for now... If I've learned anything in these past 3,5 years of losing weight, its that there is an element of surprise and unpredictability to it, and that means that when things start going wrong, you have to come up with something new and different to get things back on track.

* * *

Missing my past...

The thing about losing weight is that it means giving something up. As much as I'd like to tell you that I'm disgusted by the way I used to eat, its not true. If I could, I would eat just as I did 4 years ago.

I've never been in love, so my most intense passions up to date have been for chocolate, pasta and Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano in My So-Called Life. Although you could replace Jordan with for instance Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice or Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or any other dreamy, hunky leading man, who is head over heals in love with the somewhat controversial and excentric leading lady.

But to get back to my original point, my main love affair to date has been with food. I love it. I love to eat it, I love thinking about it, I love planning to do it, I even occasionally love making it. And I hate the fact that my love for food has turned me into this. I find it incredibly unfair that while some people can eat what ever they want and not gain a gram, I can't eat anything without gaining weight.

The truth is that its not solely my eating habits that have made me obese, although I grant you it's about 85% of the reason for it. But the other reason is that I've got the most energy efficient body in the whole freaking universe! Okay, that may not be entirely true, but trust me, if we were living in the stone ages, I would have outlived about 90% of the population in times of starvation! Somehow that thought really isn't very comforting now that I'm living in 2010 with plenty of food around me...

But the main thing is that I know I have no choise about this. Well, I do, but the other choise is to eat myself to death, so I think I'll pass on that one. So I stick to my diet and try to accept the fact, that I'll never have the luxury of eating what I want when I want without any thought for consequences.

So now I've been one week on this new Low Carb diet. So far so good, although I guess I went a little over board with protein in the morning, and it made me feel nauseaus. But now I've corrected it with adding more fruits to my breakfast, and I'm feeling great again!

* * *

Losing Weight And Men

My feelings about dating and losing weight are somewhat conflicted. On one hand I know it'll be easier to find a man when I get more attractive and thin, but on the other hand I wonder if it means I'll end up with a guy who's too superficial to appreciate me as I am.

Like Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice (BBC, 1995) said: "If I could love a man who would love me enough to take me for a mere £50 a year, I should be very well pleased. But such a man could hardly be sensible, and I could never love man who was out of his wits!" I feel exactly the same way about my weight. I'd want to find a man who'd love me for who I am, no matter how much I weigh, but at the same time I feel that such a man would be somehow weird or deficient.

What I fear most is that I'm waiting for something that doesn't exist for me. That I'm trying to grasp at straws that aren't there!

Now I've heard more than once that I've watched too many romantic movies and that's why my expectations of men are waaaay too high. Now the truth is that my expectations of men have nothing to do with romantic movies (although I do enjoy the brief flight in a care-free fantasy world they offer me).

My reason for having high expectations is this: my parents have been married for 44 years, and are still happy together. My eldest brother has been married for 22 years, my sister for 13 years and my other brother for 12 years, and all of them are happy together. (Just to clarify, I'm the youngest of the family and my siblings are 8-16 years older than me).

So I've seen first hand that marriage can work, that you can find someone you truly love and live happily together with that person! I'm not saying that these marriage's don't have their own problems, but still the problems are small enough for the marriage to work. So I'm not expecting a fairytale romance, I'm just looking for someone who I can fall in love with and who'll love me back. So simple, yet so hard to find!

* * *

First weigh-in after starting Low Carb diet!

Okay, so I've lost 1,5 kg (3,3 lbs) in 5 days! I'm so excited! I'm trying to keep my head cool though, so that when the weight loss starts to wain down, I won't be too bitterly disappointed!

So I got Artifact and Blackground paint pots, and I'm really happy with them! I bought them because I wanted to try out this look by Pixiwoo from YouTube, unfortunately I forgot that she used Quite Natural instead of Artifact. But it still came out really cool, so I really don't mind! And I've got a great excuse to buy another paint pot... ;o)


Here's the tutorial I used:

And here's my rendition of it:



Today my Mom's coming over, and I promised to tell her about this LC diet as well, she wants to try it out. In her case she'll have other challenges though, since she has celiac disease, which prevents her from using the normal wheat based products anyway.

* * *

Still going strong!

Last night I had a lovely dinner (made by me for me) of a chicken goat cheese salad. It was absolutely delicious, and I really enjoy the fact that after 4 years of guilt while eating cheese, I can finally have it without any pangs! I'm not eating tons of cheese, but still clearly a lot more than before!

Today I'm going to go shopping for MAC paint pots, I might go nuts and buy both Blackground and Artifact, not sure, will have to see about that. I'm going shopping with my cousin, who's been dieting alongside with me from the beginning, and now its time for a reward for the both of us. Afterwards we're going to the movies to see Valentine's Day, so this'll be a truly girly day!

Okay, got to run now, I wish all of you a fun filled Saturday!

* * *

Day 3 of Low Carb diet...

I woke up this morning feeling fresh and excited! Which I never do. Not at 6 a.m., at least. But today I did! I got up, had a shower, dressed, ate my breakfast and danced around while putting on my make-up. I tell ya, it's hard to do a good make-up look while dancing!

Anyways, the morning was full of hope, I rushed off to work and still felt marvelous! I did begin to feel tired as the day went on, but I'm still amazed at how cheerful and energetic I was so early in the morning! I even thought about doing a little work out, but decided not to, since I didn't want to be late for work.

My food diary for today is rather similar as before, so I won't bother putting it on here, but my nutritional spectre is as follows: 25% protein, 54% fat and 21% carbs.

The site where I keep my food diary has these four balls that tell you whether you've

1. had enough of vegetables
2. if your energy intake is okay
3. if you'd have too many sweets and
4. if you've had enough fibers

I'm glad to say that since I've started eating low carb food I've noticed that getting these balls green is really easy! Before I had to struggle, especially with the fiber ball. Now, it's no struggle, I usually get all the balls to turn green by my lunch time!

The reason I've resisted doing this before was that I was afraid that eating low carb would mean eating only animal fats and giving up veggies. Now I realise that it actually means eating MORE veggies and just giving up sugar, bread and starch. I feel great and I intend to keep on with this to see if I'd be able to fit into that size 46 EU (18 UK, 16 US) dress by this summer!

Oh, and here's the dress I want to wear at my friends wedding this summer (in purple though), and it's from Halens:

* * *

Day 2 of Low Carb diet...

So far so good! I stuck to my plan last night, and I even managed to resist the oh-so delicious chocolates some evil spirits had brought to my office. Damn those evil spirits... But I'm so proud of myself!

So, today is another day, and I've already been planning what to eat. I've realised that that is one of the most important thing about losing weight: planning! I always fill my diary after breakfast for the rest of the day, so I know what to expect. Sometimes I do change it afterwards, and that's okay, but most of the time I do go by what I've planned.

If I stick to my plan today, I will get 1870 kcal's and of those 35% will be protein, 32% will be fat (of which 32% will be good ones) so that leaves 33% for carbs. I'm still happy with that, so I think that'll be fine for today!

On a side note, I havent heard from Jim since last Sunday. I think it's fair to assume, that he's just not that into me. A couple of other guys have contacted me, but quite frankly, they didn't seem to be that bright. I can live with just about anything else, but a man who seems illiterate and unintelligent.

* * *

Day 1 of Low Carb diet...

Okay, so I'm going ahead with this low carb thing. I'm not going to start drinking cream or eating bacon and eggs each morning, I just won't believe that that's healthy, no way, nu-huh... Instead I'm going to be cutting out bread, pasta, sugar and starch rich vegetables (potatoes etc.)

So here's how I'm starting my first day:

Breakfast:
Quark with berries and sweetener, coffee and a handful of plain peanuts
(320 kcal)

Lunch:
A cheese salad with two slices of rye bread (12% fiber) and butter
(590 kcal)

Snack:
An orange
(90 kcal)

Dinner:
A chicken-mozzarella salad with mayo
(630 kcal)

Snack:
Quark with berries and sweetener with some vegetable oil (since otherwise I won't get enough good fats)
(365 kcal)

Total: ~2000 kcal

I'm pretty happy with my plan for today, I'll be getting 30% of my nutrition from protein and 44% from fat (and 33% of those are good fats), which leaves 26% for carbs. I think that sounds about right!

* * *

Thinking About Carbs...

As I mentioned before, I've been living my new healthy lifestyle for 3,5 years now, and I've been stuck on this weight for about a year. Lately I've been losing some weight thanks to the Alli-product, but it's still been a slow process. So when a friend of mine called and told me that she had lost 2,5kg's in one week on a low carb diet, I must admit I was intrigued.

I did a little research today, and as far as I can tell, the most important thing is to lose white flour, white sugar and starch from your diet. Now since I already it mostly rye bread with at least 6% of fibre and I hardly ever eat anything sweet, I think this might be doable for me. The only problem is pasta. I love pasta. Don't even need a lot of sauce on it, just give me a bowl of pasta with a little tomato sauce on it, and I'll be happy as Larry! ;o)

The thing is that carbs are in just about everything. For instance I had a plan that I'd start eating quark every morning, thinking it was high in protein and low in carbs. Well that's true with the unsweetened stuff, which now man alive would eat just as it is. Sure I could put some berries in it, but there's no way they'd sweeten that up enough for me to enjoy it.

I don't know, I'm curious about this, but still a bit hesitant. Anyone have great experiences with low carb diet? Should I just go for it?

* * *

Then and Now

I thought that I'd share you a little picture about where it all began and what I look like now. So here goes, the old picture is from a christmas party back when I was at my biggest and the other picture is from last Halloween, so not that long ago. Between those two pictures I'd lost about 25kg's (that's 55 lbs).

I hope you can see the difference... At least the smile's a lot wider in the more recent one! ;o)

Freebie!

Yesterday was my Freebie day! It means that once every four weeks I have a day when I don't have to do my food diary. It means that once every four weeks I can go nuts! I know it sounds silly for a person on a diet to have that, but when my goal is to lose about 32 kg's more, it makes sense that I need to have some days off as well. I can't make my life solely about losing weight.

Now when I say I can go nuts, it doesn't mean I eat like I used to. It just means that I can have what I want, but always there's this little thought in my brain asking me is this really what I want?

On this Freebie day I had lots of stuff I wouldn't normally have. Like chocolate, a doughnut, cupcakes, some pizza etc... I didn't have as much of them as I would have in the old days. And what's more important, I won't be having them today. I think it's okay to let loose every now and again, just as long as you make sure you stop the next day.

So today I had a breakfast of two slices of rye bread, ham and butter with coffee. My lunch was tuna salad, my snack will be a banana with some hot chocolate and for dinner I'm gonna have a chicken salad.

My cycle of keeping the food diary is now on it's fourth week (all and all it's the 12th week), wich means that on Sunday I can go and buy something nice for me. I'm thinking of MAC's paintpot in artifact, or blackground. Don't know which one yet, but that's the fun part, planning and thinking about ways to reward myself! :o)

* * *

You wanna play rough, I'll play rough!

Okay, so it's been a week since my first date with Jim, and he still hasn't mentioned a second date. We've been e-mailing daily, but no mention has there been about a second date. Well, except for that weak moment of mine, that made me ask him out... And him replying "that might be cool"... Pathetic, I know!

So I'm taking the control back. He wrote to me a simple one line note today, and I'm not gonna reply to that one. Nope, no way! If he wants to see me, he has to do something about it! So, from now on I'm the bloody Ice Queen. No more Miss Nice Girl, from now on he has to work.

I'd love it if equality of the sexes actually worked in the dating arena. I hate having to resort to these kinds of tactics, but I guess I have no other possibility...

* * *

Surprise!

He didn't call. BUT he did send me an e-mail. Not a word was mentioned about the date next week, just general blabbing.

I don't know. Shouldn't he be more into me at this point? I mean if it's meant to be? I just feel like he should be more interested in getting to know me than he is!

One things for sure, playing hard to get works again. I sent him a couple of e-mails that were happy, chipper and filled with a lot of interesting stuff (or at least I thought so), but his replies were short and sort of bored. I thought, fine, two can play at that game, and sent him an e-mail with a couple of lines, and hey presto, I received a long e-mail filled with the desire to impress me. I just don't understand men!

Men complain about women playing games, but honest to God, I think women would stop playing the games, if men wouldn't freak out the minute we do! I hate these games. I find them boring, exhausting and annoying. I'd love to be able to tell a guy I'm interested in that I want to go on a date with him and see if there's anything there. But if I do so, he gets panicked, as if I've just proposed marriage to him! What's wrong with men?!?!

The thing is that I don't want to waste my time with men who aren't interested in me. Maybe it's because the big Three-O is looming around the corner, and I feel the pressure of finding the ONE, I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm so over trying to figure out what men want.

Okay, that's not entirely true, I know WHAT they want, I just want to find a guy who'd want something besides that. A guy who'd every now and again want the same things as I do. A guy who'd love me, and who I'd love right back.

Am I asking too much? Am I reaching for the moon and stars again?

* * *

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

was the first song I heard after my first date last Sunday with "Jim". I thought it was an omen, and I think I was right. We've been exhanging e-mails with him all week long, but he hasn't mentioned anything about a second date. So last night I snapped and asked him out to the movies. Going against every rule, I know, but at least I now know he isn't interested and I can move on.

OK, he didn't exactly say that he isn't interested, but it was clear enough. I got it. Thanks. First off, after our first date he said: "Let's see what this will evolve into..." No mention about a second date or about calling me. Bad sign. Second, well, the fact that I had to ask him out on the second date, and that his response to it was "Yeah, a movie might be cool, we'll see about it next week."

Now I know everyone says that you shouldn't read too much into what a guy says, that what he says is what he means, but come on! That is blowing me off! Pure and simple!

So I replied to him saying that next week would be fine and we'll talk later. And trust me on this one, we won't be talking later. If he contacts me again, I swear I'll.. I'll eat my... I'll... Well, I'll do something!

* * *

Alli, My Ally...

I started using these new weightloss pills called Alli about a month ago after my doctor suggested I'd try them. At first I had a prescribtion for another stronger (and more expensive) brand, but after those ran out, I switched to Alli.

Now to those of you who don't know what Alli is, it's a drug that prevents 25% of the fat you eat from absorbing, thus you get less calories and you lose weight. It doesn't affect your psyche or your cravings in any way.

All you have to do is eat like you'd normally eat on a diet and then take 1-3 pills per day with your meals. If you eat something high-fat (like a pizza or a hamburger) you'll get cramps and diarrhea. I once had a rather greasy wok, and the next night I had horrible cramps. It's not unbareble, but it's no fun either, so I learned my lesson and I'm eating right now.

What I find is the greatest upside of Alli is that it makes me work harder. Somehow the idea that I'm eating these pills makes me want to make sure that it also pays off. I guess I just want to make sure I get my money's worth.

I use Alli as a bonus, but the main thing I do is keep a food diary online. I found a website http://www.kiloklubi.fi/ (its in finnish), where I enter everything I eat and it tells me how well I'm doing.

I find keeping a food diary is important but very, very boring, so to keep me at it, I have a reward system: if I keep a food diary every day for 4 weeks, I get a present! Last time I bought two MAC eyeshaddows. Bribary, works everytime! ;o)

* * *

So to give you an idea about how I do this, I thought I'd show you what I ate yesterday.

Breakfast:
Two slices of whole grain bread, two slices of ham, one table spoon of margarine (321 kcal) +Alli

Lunch:
Tunasalad and two slices of rye bread, one table spoon of margarine (549 kcal) +Alli

Snack:
A cookie (24 kcal)

Dinner:
Fiesta salad at McDonald's (770 kcal) +Alli

Evening snack:
Two slices of rye bread, two slices of ham, one table spoon of margarine (312 kcal)

Total of 1976 kcal (recomended amount would have been 1958 kcal, so close enough!)

* * *

I don't normally eat so many salads, just happened to last night... But this is how I roll, and it has been going pretty great for now! Hope it will keep on going as well!

BTW, I calculated that before Christmas I lost 2,5kg's in 7 weeks. Since I started using Alli I lost 2,5kg's in 4 weeks. So it does work, at least for me.

* * *

Goals For This Summer

I need to look hot by summer. Why? Because this summer a very close friend of mine is getting married, and in that wedding party will be my ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend, who also happened to be my friend back in the day.

I'll explain this as briefly as I can:

As I mentioned before, when I dumped my boyfriend back in 2006, I had noticed that there was something between him and my friend. To make this simpler, lets call them John and Lisa. So, Lisa was one of my closest friends, and I confided into her about how troubled my relationship with John was. Lisa kept telling me to dump him, and although the advise was sound, I can't help but think it had an ulterior motive. Well, duh...

So about a month after I dumped John, he asked Lisa out. Now they're living together.

I tried my best to stay friends with both of them, but found it impossible, as I didn't trust Lisa anymore. And I'm a firm believer in that without trust there can be no friendship.

Now Lisa has always been very competative, unlike me, but her need to show me how much better she's doing is making me rather vindictive. I know, I know, turn the other cheek, but frankly, I've got no more cheeks left to turn. I've used all four.

* * *

So as shallow and silly as it sounds, I have to look fabulous for this wedding, and I have to find a boyfriend by then. I think the first goal is easier to achieve than the latter one...

So, to the goals:

1) I want to fit into a size 46 EU (thats 18 UK or 16 US) by then.
2) In order for that to happen, I need to lose about 15-20 kg's, which would mean about 0,5-0,8kg's per week. Now that will be rough, as I've noticed that my body really is anti-losing weight, but it's still within my range of possibilities.
3) I want to find a boyfriend. Or rather, I want to find a soulmate. I know, setting my sights a little too high again, but hey, that's me!

* * *

My Romantic Self Esteem

About a week ago I went on a first date. Apparently if you want to find a man, you have to date. In my opinion, that sucks. I hate dating. Especially first dates. They fill me with terror.


It's not that I don't believe that I'm a worthwhile and interesting person, far from it, I believe I'm one of the most interesting persons I've met during my life! And I've known myself for almost 29 years!


Here's what I think it is: I think women have two different self esteems, a normal and a romantic one. The normal self esteem helps us go through everyday situations, work, chores, friendships and basic human interaction. The romantic self esteem comes to play when we're faced with that ultimate enemy: a man. And what I've discovered lately is that my romantic self esteem is absolutely non existent.


I don't know why that is. I'm not ugly, although I am overweight. I know most men see fat as the ultimate flaw in a woman, but I trust that not all of them feel that way. Although my trust in that kind of comes and goes.

It's not that I go on horrific dates with mean men, far from it, most of the men I've been on dates with have been kind and rather funny guys. The problem is that these guys don't make me feel all tingly and giggly inside. And what's worse, I don't make them feel all tingly and giggly inside.

I just watched Adaptation, where Donald Kaufman said: "You are who you love, not who loves you." I wish I could live like that. I wish I didn't care if others love me or not, I wish I could just be happy being myself and being true to what I feel, no matter how others feel about me. But I can't.

As long as I'm unsure about how the other person feels about me, I keep myself distant, I keep my feelings in check and I make damn sure that if he isn't interested in me, then I'm not interested either. The upside is that I don't get hurt when he doesn't call me. The downside is that I've never fallen in love.

But a part of me believes that when I meet the right guy, I won't be able to do that. That he'll whisk me off my feet, no matter how hard I try to resist it. Or perhaps I've just seen too many romantic movies.

* * *

My method of losing weight

is quite simple, and yet the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I eat healthy and exercise more. Shocking, I know, but it works. Slowly, and sometimes surely. My process has been slow and filled with both happiness and anxiety. No quick fixes, no easy solutions, but hopefully something that will help me maintain a reasonable weight for the rest of my life.

It all started back in summer 2006. I was working in a place, where the atmosphere was opressive and very unpredicatble. My boss was at least borderline psychopath and some of my co-workers were mean and vindictive.

I was also dating a guy, who was nice, but ultimately our relationship was cold and devoid of affection. When he was abroad for two months, I didn't miss him once. When he got home, it took us a month to get together. That wasn't what I considered to be a real relationship. And on top of it all, I realised one of my friends had a crush on him, and that he felt the same way about her.

So it's fair to say that the summer of 2006 was not a happy time for me. But the fall was.

Within a month I quit my job for a better one and I dumped my boyfriend. At the same time I realised my weight had really become a problem. I didn't know how much I weighed, as I hadn't even seen a scale for three years, but I knew I was so fat, that I couldn't bend properly, all my clothes were getting too small and I was constantly tired.

Being free from a job and a relationship that were unsatisfying, I started taking walks. I wasn't ready to go to a gym or anything, as I didn't want people staring at me. Slowly I began feeling more and more energised and happy, but it still took me 4 months before I dared to step on a scale.

As I saw the outcome (143,3kg's or 315,9 lbs), I felt overwhelmed and shocked. I had no idea I had gotten so fat! But at the same time I felt relieved. Now I knew where I was, now I knew I had to do something. And so I started dieting.

At first I just did what I knew I had to do: eat less and eat healthier. I started eating salads and fruits, gave up candy and chocolate. Everything seemed to go great, my first week I lost 3,9kg's! When I had lost 7kg's (15lbs), my first crisis emerged. I wanted to quit, I wanted to stop trying, I wanted some chocolate! But then I realised, that this was exactly how far I always got. I lost 7kg's, and that was it.

The thought of living my life as I had just a few weeks before frightened me enough to keep on with my new diet. And I'm glad I did!

So from then on I've been losing weight. It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been quick, but I've been doing it. The sad part is that I know I will have to do this for the rest of my life. Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even when he's on the wagon, I am always a chocoholic. 'Till the day I die...

* * *

All the best ones are taken...

Now this is a mantra all of us single girls, and why not single boys, hear constantly. "All the best ones are taken." But if that's true, why am I still single? Does it mean that I automatically am not one of the best ones?

I refuse to think, that just because I'm single I'm somehow inferior to those who are in a relationship. I mean, Hitler was dating, does that make him better than me? Okay, poor example, but I guess you understand what I mean. Just because I'm single, it can't mean that I'm a bad person, that I'm a failure.

And if all the best ones are taken, why would I even bother looking? If all that is left is second class boyfriends, shouldn't I hang up my binoculars and start looking for an alergen free cat?

I'm always perplexed, what is the point of that saying? Should it be comforting? Should it lull me into the depressed resignation that love will never come my way?

I don't know. All I know is that I'm still refusing to believe that all the best ones are taken. They can't be! I'm not!

My reason for being here?

It's quite simple. I'm a 29 year old woman (well, still technically 28, but in just a few short weeks I will be 29, and I think it's best to start adjusting...), who is trying to figure out two things:

1) How do men work and how do I get one for myself?
2) How do I lose interest in chocolate and direct it towards sweating on a stairmaster.

The thing is, I'm picky about men. And I'm painfully aware of it. I mean, everybody keeps telling me that, so there's no fear of me forgetting how high my standards are. But the problem is that I can't fall in love with a guy I feel is just OK... Call me what ever you want, but I still believe that love should be thunder-bolts and lightning! Mainly because it's been that way for my parents, who are happily married after 45 years. So why not me?

Now the problem with chocolate is in someways easier to solve. Or rather, I've been focusing on solving it for the last 3,5 years, during which I've lost 30kg's (and then gainged some, and then lost some....) When I started my weightloss campaign, I weighed 143,3kg's, which I think we can all agree is a LOT! Now I weigh 117,6kg's which is a bit higher then 113kg's I reached last summer, but still, I'm heading down slowly but surely.

My idea for this blog is to try to figure out my main two problems: How to find the love of my life and How to reach my goal weight of 85kg's. This isn't going to be a traditional weightloss blog, but more of a stream of what's going on in this head of mine.

Like a friend of mine says, there are two ninja's constantly fighting in my head: my logic and my heart. And this blog will be their arena. Enjoy!